By Jason Chen

"Not Nice" is the Way to Find Your Identity

The blog posts on 1/25/23 and 2/5/23 discussed the first two steps of finding one's true identity: (1) Small and consistent steps of change and (2) unconditional self-love. This week's post will discuss step three: "Not Nice." Society has conditioned us from a young age to "play nice." Many of us hope that being "nice" will earn people's approval and a favorable view of ourselves. We have been told that only "nice" boys and girls receive gifts from Santa. Conventional wisdom believes that if one is not "nice" then one must be "naughty." However, "not nice" is not naughty, but being authentic to oneself. When one is forced to go against one's true identity in order to "play nice," one is regressing on the path of finding one's true identity.



The emphasis is on being authentic, not selfish. They are two distinct characteristics. A selfish person may "pretend" to be nice just to get what the person wants. On the contrary, being authentic is to tactfully speak one's mind and say no strategically to demands from others that one's identity does not agree with. How often do we say yes just to please others hoping that they will like us as if one's purpose of existence is to please others? We are so willing to please others while often not as willing to align our actions with our true identity. If one wishes to be true to one's identity, free of social expectations, one must work hard to not being "nice." Not being "nice" is not the same as being mean or naughty; it is one's declaration of refusing to curb your true identity in a bid to be accepted or loved and doing the best for oneself. If we always want what is best for our friends and family, why are we so reluctant to want what is best for ourselves?



Now is the time to have a true awakening moment in your life and take your own identity more seriously than you have ever been and be kinder to yourself and prioritize your own identity as you follow the steps to solidify your true identity. The next time you feel terrible as society has conditioned us since our early childhood after practicing not being nice by saying no to something that does not align with your own identity, to make a joke out of it in your mind. Think of step 1 starting something small and consistent by saying no to one person a week until you gradually are comfortable saying no to all who ask something that is against your true self. Then follow step two to love yourself unconditionally regardless of how society expects you to act. Finally, take time to do things that make you happy for a change, at least once a week until you can be ALWAYS true to who you are. At this point, you will find your true identity and lasting joy without worrying about how others feel about you. If you enjoy my posts, please click on the blue follow button by my profile picture and comment.

Jason Chen, PhD

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